Anger seems to be such a default response in me. Consequently, I deal with depression, fear, anxiety, addiction. They go hand in hand. I constantly battle with bitterness.
I am no longer charming, or young. I never was tall or good looking. I’ve never been able to “sell” myself. I have ear rings and a tattoo mainly for one reason. I wanted to shout to the world, “accept me for me, not for what you want me to be.” And have, for most of my life, dealt with the subsequent rejection that ensued. See, I was the black sheep of my family, always in trouble. In church, I was the one who asked too many questions, raised too many doubts, didn’t take things by faith. In school, I didn’t accept authority just because of their position. Respect was something you earned from me. Friendship, trust, were things that were not given to many. What seems so laughable to me is that I was accepted by many, part of many groups, but always as one on the fringes. I was a jock but not one that excelled, in the clique but not. I was a brain but of lesser intelligence. I was a druggie that no one ever saw take drugs. I was on the fringes but too close to the cliques to be a real part of the fringe element too. Friends with everyone but friends with no one all at the same time.
So much bitterness has come from this, and I think I was not alone in this. I turn that bitterness on God. Every lost opportunity, every chance that I didn’t take, was because He wouldn’t let me in. “Yes, you can be a Christian, but I can’t really use you for anything great. You just don’t fit the mold.”
Now, the reality is that many who are in leadership are looking for a type. Young, charismatic, super-talented, years of experience wrapped up in someone who just graduated. I had been told that, even at the age of 30, I was too old. Now, some 21 years later, I am done for sure and no one will even listen to me. I have been told that, should I take a more public role, it would actually hurt the efforts to attract the younger crowd. Statistics are quoted, there is documented evidence.
And with all that, I can’t walk away.
See, the God that I serve doesn’t look on the outside. He looks at my heart. He sees past all the anger and fear and calls me to walk with Him. And He isn’t done with me yet. Amazingly, He is still in the business of using me even though I fight Him so much. He knows my issues and has decided that I shouldn’t be tossed, I have a purpose in His kingdom. I can’t fathom this because I have actually made a pretty concerted effort to get Him to reject me too. Bitterness does that.
He just continues to love me, to heal my brokenness, to hold me to Himself.
I don’t think I’m alone in this. I have a feeling that there are many, many people who feel the way I do.
Bitterness be gone. I’m choosing to trust….and rest.