A Bowie knife with a ten inch blade, leather, calf-length moccasins, a motorcycle jacket, a cowboy hat, a guitar, these are things that over the years I have valued. A list of what would make me happier, make me more of a man, complete me. I worked hours upon hours shoveling manure, sweeping floors, delivering newspapers, flipping burgers. I woke up early many mornings, worked late at night too. All to purchase these necessities.
Now, I hear your laughter. I take note of your mocking tones. Some of you may actually remember what I looked like with my ensemble all together. Oh, but I was cool back then. Actually, I don’t think I ever was trying to be cool as much as I was trying to be different. To this day the greatest compliment I think I’ve ever been paid was the day a guy told me I was an enigma.
But I digress.
What do I value in myself, now? I have always thought I had something to say and that people should listen. I always thought that I was a leader, a pastor, a musician. And I have poured vast amounts of energy into being those things. And it has been a let down. Can I say that honestly? The things that I thought made me worth something have all turned to dust!
Why? Why has what I have valued and found confidence in all become pain, sadness, disappointment?
Jesus said that where your treasure is, your heart will be too. And my treasure has been so much placed on me. Now I’m a pretty good guy most of the time, but I make a horrible god, especially for me. Though I would never believe it to be true, I have put me on the throne, laid my offerings at my feet, bowed in worship.
I say this to my shame.
It is as though I am the lover that accepts the adoration and sacrifice of my groom, my husband and only speaks words of hate, the fattened cow that takes from this lavish feasts and complains because there is no candy.
I was worth His life.
What is He worth to me?