You Won’t Let Go

I have felt so, incredibly sad lately.

And then today….

Sometimes, when you come off a good day, it can be such a let down that you lose sight of what is real.  I love our youth group, our youth pastor, our youth worship team.  And when I get home, I am practically buzzing.

I want to stay in that moment.  Those times when God is close and what is right seems possible.

But, I don’t.

I go to work in the morning and face the fight.

Today was tough.  I feel such a burden for the people around me and yet feel inadequate to reach them.  One of them has taken it upon himself to turn me away from God, wanting me to join in sex talk, rude gestures, a changed mind.  Today, he told me that he sees me as a homosexual.

I told him I see him as a Christian and accepted his challenge.  Whoever caves to the will of the other loses.

The voices in my head started in.  How I’ll lose.  How foolish I am.  How stupid.

And then God rose up.

I don’t want you to think I’m brave.  I’m not.  I don’t want you to think I’m amazing.  I’m not.

But when God rose up inside me.  I sang out.

“Even in the battle you are with me, I will not be broken in the fight.  You will go before me and behind me.  You’ll never let me go.  You’ll never let me go.” (Cory Asbury – You Won’t Let Me Go)

That’s the reality.  That’s what is true.  I will fight for the heart of this friend.

And let all hell tremble!

 

Wrecking

When I was younger, I used to wreck….

A lot…

I’ve wrecked bikes, big wheels, motorcycles, horses (yes, horses) and cars.  You’d think that I would quit driving after all this, never want to ride again.  I’ve had bruises, broken bones, a split palate, at least one concussion, and bled from countless wounds.

The funny thing is, I love to drive.  I love to ride.  I am more cautious, but not afraid.  I don’t speed as much because I don’t like paying tickets, not because I’m worried about losing control.  My favorite place is the driver seat.

So why is it, that as I’ve failed in business, failed in ministry, failed as a husband, failed as a father,  I have come to the place where I let fear have a say in my existence.  Wrecking, monumentally crashing and burning, are part of my life.  Why have I quit trying while I’m still alive?

I don’t know.

Maybe, I have a choice to make in my life.  Maybe I get to turn up or turn down the volume on the voices I hear.  Maybe, I can choose to believe in God’s will for me and not what other’s would choose.

I think I can.

I believe that I have songs people need to hear.  I believe that what I write encourages others to pursue Jesus.  I believe, though I am fat, old, short, and none too pretty, that if God speaks through me and anoints my words, I can speak life into those He puts in my path.

I can watch what I eat and lose weight.  I can exercise more, practice more, so that I can look and play better.  I can open my heart to His voice, be a student of His Word, talk to Him and listen to those He has placed over me.  Then His life, His peace, His direction will guide me.

And should I wreck again, …

…if I’m still alive,

I’ll pick myself up, by His strength and grace and mercy.  I’ll dust myself off, stop the bleeding, set the bones, go to the doctor, all because of His life in me.  And go again.

It’ll be fun!