Angry, tired and frustrated

I had all sorts of great titles running through my head this morning but they wouldn’t have been honest.

I have been sick for the past week.  Suffering from vertigo, looking at perhaps a long recovery time.  Hearing the words I’ve written to others but not feeling them, not believing them.  Remembering the dreams and hopes that I laid down, taking them back off the altar and wanting so bad for them to come true.

So, this morning I face a new day.  I am debilitated.  I weigh too much.  I am so out of shape and so far from what God designed me for.

A light breaks over my heart right now, in this moment.  It is the backdrop for the cross in my life.  Will I pick it up again?  Will I deny myself and follow Him?  I’ve seen too much, been through too much to believe that my will can accomplish anything good.  I struggle and fume, maybe this time, maybe I’ll win.

Satan throws at me every self-made man, every wealthy success story.  Those who have the cars, the house, the power position.  He lets me know what he offers.

And I reject it.

I want to be the hero of my own story.  I want to be the one who submitted his will so fully to Jesus that He has only to nudge and I’m there, He has only to call and I’ll answer.  I want to be the one who lays everything down and lets JESUS shine through.

That’s a life worth living.

The Rocks Will Cry Out

Lately, it has been difficult for me to write. I spend a lot of time working, a lot of time planning, a lot of time being sick, a lot of time doing but can’t find time to write. It is not that I have run out of ideas, I’ve simply run out of space. Getting up at 4:00 has its perks. No one bothers you; no one needs your attention. The down side is when you don’t get to go to bed till 11:00 at night. Can’t keep that up forever (at least I can’t). Now why am I sharing this? I have lately been questioning my sanity. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I keep coming back to something that so few will ever hear? Jesus was rebuked when the crowds cried out with their “Hosannas”. He was told he should have them stop. He said, “If I tell them to be quiet the rocks will cry out.” That’s how I feel. If I were to quit writing it wouldn’t stop the words, it wouldn’t alter the praises. It would only remove my part in the song. And I don’t want to quit singing. I don’t want to quit playing. I don’t want my voice to be stilled. I think I have a unique voice, writing style. I don’t think I say much that is monumental but it comes from my heart and God often uses what comes from inside us in monumental ways. My weakest efforts, laid at His alter, open to His Spirit, can be used for something great. But even if they aren’t, I can’t stop. I don’t think rocks have the best voices either.