More Than A Song

As worship leaders, as worshipers, we do the songs over and over.  We practice and perform and, though the words still mean something to us, we no longer submit to them.

“I am free to run…”

Do we run in Him?  Do we dance?  Do we see the blind healed, the dead rise?

“My foes are many, they rise against me, but I will hold my ground…”

Do we hold our ground in the face of attacks from the enemy?  Do we fight fearlessly against the war that he brings?  Do we take the fight to him?

I don’t want to sing the songs and not live the life.  I don’t want to call people to the feet of Jesus and stand at a distance unmoved.  My heart needs set on fire.  My life needs to change, to grow.

I want to believe, to know that nothing compares to His grace.  I want to be humbled by His majesty.  I want to have all I need in His unending love.

Bipolar

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness characterized by episodes of an elevated mood known as mania, usually alternating with episodes of depression.

Worship leaders, worshipers in general, tend toward a spiritual bipolar disorder.  We seek the high of the presence of the Lord, the rush of His power as we lift up His name, the joy that overwhelms us as the congregation is broken and healed, hands lifted, tears flowing.

And then, we walk out the doors.  We climb in our cars and go home.  We fight with our spouses and isolate ourselves from our children. We turn to our instruments for comfort, for solace.  We look at our bank accounts, our jobs, our bills and do the math.  We go through the motions of quiet time and study.  And never, never feel fulfilled.

So we seek the next high.  Concerts, CDs, Youtube, a new job, a new high.

Life can be so difficult.  And, the medical world would seek to level those moods, shorten the swings from mania to depression.

I would question, within myself, in everything I do, I would question myself as to what is causing those swings.  What is the scaffolding that holds up the pendulum?

Do I feel a rush as I see myself praised for skills, for passion, for service?  Do I hear the words of affirmation and pin them on me?  Do I look to salve my wounds, my bruises, my hurts?  Do I wish them removed, uncleansed, untreated, unhealed?  Do I want my life more comfortable, more at ease?

Or do I simply need more Jesus?

The crash of waves that surround the holy moments of worship, in prayer, in song, are a normal result of our encounters with God.  Can you imagine meeting with the King of the Universe and being unmoved?  Can we hope to rest on the pinnacle of His touch on our lives with no opportunity to need Him again?  That would not be natural, not living.

The former leads only to hurt, for the structures that uphold it disintegrate beneath the weight of Him.  But if He holds it up, being the trussing, the lights and the sound within us, the fall will come, the waves will crash…

and we will stand.