No, I’m really sick.
Breathing is difficult. Head is spinning. Photophobia. Coughing. Influenza.
How did this happen? I rarely get sick.
I’ve been working as a janitor, a custodian for a church. One of my jobs is to clean the carpets with a big extractor (carpet cleaner). It is self-propelled. Pull the trigger and steer basically. Only trouble is it doesn’t go very fast. I can’t tell you how many times I catch myself pushing it.
And do you want to know how much effect my body has on pushing a heavy machine that is set to go a specific speed.
I have been doing that with God, with my life. Pushing and pushing to see things happen. Working really hard to get some where, to make things happen. Trying to be a good husband, a good dad, a good servant, a good man.
Broken immune system. Fatigue. Depression.
Today, I picked up my guitar and sang for no one but God. I played, not to practice, but just to spend time with Him. In my impatience and scattered thoughts, I had about a fifteen minute window with Him.
It was good.
I’ve been pushing too hard and too long against a life that won’t “get better”, circumstances that I can’t change, a past that won’t go away, a God who is immovable.
Here’s what I can do. Be grateful for the good life I have. Accept the circumstances of my life as a product of my decisions AND the Grace of God on me. Forgive my past and let it go. And ask what He wants instead of telling Him what I want.
And I can rest and cough and shiver and ache…