Who will I be?

I was set free from addiction more than a year ago.  After close to forty years of struggle and shame, of hiding and depression, I was released to a new world.  Often the whispers come at me to return, to quit fighting.  The problem with the whispers is that I recognize their end game, I see them for what they are.

I like being free.

But, why was I released.  I still can’t get a job as a pastor.  I still have not fully recognized the calling that God placed on my life.  I still work a dirty, low-paying job at a factory.

Do you ever see yourself from God’s perspective?

When I was young, I wanted to be an Airborne Ranger.  These are the guys with the dangerous missions behind enemy lines.  Hard charging, never quit, crazies that will not back down, will not die.  The ones who are willing to go where no one else wants to, no one else can.

I don’t have the tab.  I’m old, chubby, scruffy.  But, I think, in the spiritual realm, I have become a Ranger.  A never say die light in a dark, cold place.  Sniping with words of love and peace and strength.  Deep in enemy territory with my sword and my life and not much else.

I know there are other people like me, willing to lay down their hopes and dreams, their lives, to reach out to those around them.  Living as lights in factories, on construction sites, plumbers, electricians, mechanics.  All living in the world but not being a part of it, no compromise.

I want to be where I am.  I want to sing for my children, lead worship, teach the band to love and serve.  And I want to go back into the enemy’s strongholds and kick his rear end.

Who will I be?  I don’t know.

I kind of like who I am.


Down a Dark Trail

The trail ride had ended at the remote camp site in the middle of the woods.  I had taken it out alone, set up the sleeping arrangements, got the fire started and then enjoyed some great food.  Now came the tough part.

At 11:00 at night, there isn’t much light to navigate by.  The dirt roads and fields I had to traverse were well known to me but without any moonlight one had to be cautious.  Noises sound different, rocks and branches play tricks on your eyes.  And then there was “the cave.” That’s what I called it.  A place where the trees met overhead and, even in broad daylight, was dark and stuffy.  At night, you could literally hit yourself in the face with your hand and never see it.  It may have been only a quarter mile long, but to a nervous young man, it seemed like five.

I entered in and immediately lost sight of everything.  I couldn’t see my horse, couldn’t see the road, couldn’t see anything.

So what do you do when that happens.  My choice so often was to either fumble my way through, trying to direct something I knew nothing about, often – always making things worse.  Or, and this took some practice, lay the reins on my horses neck and let him get me through.  Horses see better at night.  Horses can smell their way through things and have a great sense of direction, especially an old quarter horse.

This week I lost my job.  What I was trusting in was no longer there to carry me and my family.  A dark, forbidding place surrounded me and I still can’t see my way through.

But I serve a great God.  He sees perfectly in my night.  He knows everything and has it all under control.  The surprise for me is that I ever, I mean EVER, pick up the “reins” of my life.  Why do I think I know enough, see enough, understand enough to wrest my life from His loving hands?  

My horse always got me through that dark place and I loved him for it.  I knew we were in it together and I could trust him completely. My God has never failed me.  He has never left me.  He has never been less than a holy, loving Father, a mighty Warrior that brings me to victory.

Here you go Lord….

I’m all Yours.

What’s Your Flavor?

The question caught me off guard.

It could’ve been asked different ways.  What’s your color?  What’s your background?  What’s your heart?

What’s your flavor?

He was trying to see what made me tick.  We were playing a song together and he saw through my attempts to sound like someone else, to immitate, to comply.

What’s your flavor?

I think Jesus asks us that some times.  He doesn’t want us to try to be like others.  He isn’t looking for us to fit some mold of contrived religion.  He created us as unique individuals that bring various facets of His nature, His beauty to light.  He didn’t bring us into creation to be like anyone.  He wants us, all of us.  He wants our light to shine, our purpose fulfilled – which is really His light shining through us.

So once again, I ask, what’s your flavor?

Guided By…

Sharon Brooks (http://www.arevivaloftheheart.com/) shared this with me.  A beautiful, powerful word picture that I just had to share with you.

Looking at you I notice what you cannot, behind glasses too dark to see through. In the land of habit, where questioning not during your day in a comfy chair kinda way, slothfulness, body worshiping, blind leading the blind, afraid of the light, hide. To a discerning eye, greatness is visible underneath the costume you wear like skin; most precious it is.
A lighthouse can be a comforting sight when I realize I’m lost. Sensing it wants nothing more than to help me help myself, I welcome its guidance to navigate this boat, brighten the night skies, lead me to where a prosperous, peaceful day lies.
Forward I go into uncharted land, even bigger than I’d dreamt it’d be. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time I face, what I once could not. Then lo, to the delight of my heart I see… it was fear yes fear guiding me.


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