Tag: healing

Guilty

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, WorshipLeave a comment

Pretty sure I’ve written on this subject before, but it can be revisited.

I was a terrible father.  Did everything wrong.  A terrible husband, terrible leader, terrible Christian.  I was and am ashamed of all the mistakes I made.

Or so the enemy whispers (sometimes shouts) in my ear, my heart, my soul.

Do you feel this way sometimes, maybe lots of times?

The apostle Paul said in Romans 8, “There is therefore now no condemnation.”  How is that even possible when I know perfectly well that I am RIGHTLY condemned.  I am guilty.

Paul also said that he was the worst (1 Timothy 1).  Shoot, he spent most of Romans 7 talking about not being able to stop sinning.

Guilt is universal.

So how can we believe that there is no condemnation?  How can anyone have the temerity, the nerve to say there is now no condemnation?

In Christianity we talk about getting to heaven and facing the “judgement seat”.  The idea is passed down that we will stand before Jesus and be shown a “movie” of our lives, with the whole world watching.  When I think about that and remember so many of the the things I’ve done, even as a little child, I wonder how I will ever face this event.

Then it comes to me, I’m just going to look at Him.  I think I can handle what anyone thinks of me, including myself, if I just look at Him.

There are artists who have depicted Jesus on the judgement seat, stern, cold, disappointed.

But in light of the CROSS, and Romans 8 says, “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ,” I think all I will see is love. All I will hear is, “this one is mine.”

And that’s where I should be looking now. The voices of condemnation don’t heal. Even the overwhelming guilt doesn’t lead me to repentance. You can’t pay for what you’ve done, the ripples go far beyond our reach.

Stop looking at you. Keep looking at Him.

And tell the voices to shut up.

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Fix It

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, SpiritualLeave a comment

In this day of drugs and vaccines, therapy, machinery, politics and police we are made increasingly aware of our NEED to have someone fix our problems.

And I’m no different with God.

I go through these vast seasons of prayer wanting God to make me a better man, a better husband, father, human.  And, to be sure, I need fixing.

Problem is, I can’t be fixed. 

And to blow your mind like it did me, God doesn’t want you fixed.

Yeah, I thought that was the whole point, go to church, read your bible, pray the right prayer, sing the right song and all will be made holy and whole.

Those things have failed, all of the, in so many lives.

Here’s what I know, if I married my wife thinking I could fix her, use the bible, good verses and teaching, to make her be better, I simply push her further and further away.  If she thinks she can manipulate, condemn, deny and berate me into being better, she will only succeed in ruining what could be so beautiful.  Marriage was not designed for this.

Conversely, if I come to her with the hope that she’ll fix me, if she thinks that I will solve all her problems, we will both be vastly disappointed.

Marriage is about two very flawed and broken people learning to love each other despite and maybe even because of their issues.

Side note: I am not including abusive relationships. There is evil in the world and there are evil people. If we understood Satan and his purposes in our lives, we would see that abuse is his realm.

But God does not treat us this way, either with abuse or manipulation or condemnation or any of the other tactics we tend to see His love through. The “LAW” can never save us. He just came to be with us and make a way for us to always be with Him.

He designed us uniquely, placed us in our specific family and environment, knowing our future and everything about us. And He loves us, right there.

And if we never get better, He will love us anyway.

If we can see His word as guidance and truth from a loving Father, to keep us from hurting ourselves and others and not rules and regulations to bludgeon us into perfect behaviour, then we will know Him more, His heart more.

And that will bring more healing, more peace, more life than any drug, vaccine, therapy, machine, politician, or police can ever hope for.

Smiling

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, EncouragementLeave a comment

He walked by me.

I smiled and said hello.

But he isn’t one of the people I like. He isn’t a hard worker. He doesn’t make me laugh. He does things I dislike or don’t agree with. He is different.

And so my smile was fake. The hello was fake.

GOD NO!

It is my belief that, if we could see things clearly, one of the most deleterious effects of this pandemic is the loss of the smile. Covered up by a mask, socially distant.

So when I don’t have a mask on and I see someone, please God, let my smile be real!

I know I have stresses and things are not easy right now. But I am a man of God, called to LOVE OTHERS because You first loved someone like me.

It’s not so hard. I want it to come naturally. Even for a scruffy old man like me.

Help me smile.

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Most people wish there was more passion in their marriage.

And, I’m not just talking about sex.

We wish for a return of the goosebumps, the increased heart rate, the involuntary smile when our other crosses our mind.

And we want to see the same response in their eyes.

And when it isn’t there, we blame.

We chalk it up to faults in the other person, in ourselves, the demands of our day to day, the fragility of love.

I was talking to God about it the other day.  I have a list of “blames” that sound like self-deprecation but really are just my way of blaming Him.  And after going through my liturgy, He surprised me by asking this question.

“Why can’t we be friends?”

I contrast my ideals for a perfect marriage with my relationship with my kids.  I never really think about a greater passion for them. 

The other night my boys got together with me to watch football.  We ate pizza.  Talked a bit. Turned on the game.  One fell asleep.  The other two were on their phones most of the time.  We just had fun hanging out.

Hold on!

Is God saying, or am I saying, that the way to a better relationship is to just not set the “bar” so high?  Don’t expect anything?  Don’t even try for intimacy?

Nope.

I think what He is getting at is that we need to pursue presence first.  Passion and purpose will follow.  Don’t blame, but let faults draw us toward each other’s needs. Reject distance and all forms of self-defense, considering the other worthy of our sacrifice.

And every day…

Do it again…

Do you want to be healed?

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, Uncategorized2 Comments

We all have a sin sickness.

That thing that, despite our best efforts to conceal it, proves to us how messed up we are.

No one gets to escape it without the blood of Jesus Christ covering us.

No one.

It’s not enough to get saved, to find Jesus.  I’m sorry if you think it is.  I found Jesus and really all it did was open my eyes to my desperate need for more of Him, more of the Spirit, more of God’s leading and power.  I needed Him to HEAL me.  And I found, we have to want healing.

Not want like, “I want a breakfast burrito.”  More like, “I’m suffocating and I want air.”

In the jails, there are so many that from youth have been told the lie that they are just bad people.  In the bars, there are so many that believe they are not worthy of love, incapable of commitment.  The druggies, the prostitutes, the gays, the gamers that all believe that they can not hope for anything different.  That is just who they are.

Yep I lumped all those together.  Addictions, struggles, issues, whether society accepts and approves of them or not, have similar obstacles to overcome.

Oh, and in case it’s not obvious, porn, alcohol, affairs, work, temper tantrums, hate, control, arrogance are just a few of the others that fit into the same ideas.

The story in the Bible (John 5) goes that there was a pool where an angel would “stir the waters” (whatever that means) and the sick person who got in first was healed.  Jesus comes along and sees a guy who has been there for thirty-eight years.  His question hits me.

“Do you want to be healed?”

Jesus offers healing.  We offer excuses.  I want to be better, stronger, healthier, problem and struggle free.  But if solutions are presented, we see only impossibilities.  I’m not strong enough.  I can’t do it.  I’m just a failure.  It’s who I am and I don’t even need to change.

Jesus offers healing that comes in the form of wholeness, peace, joy, strength, victory.  And no addiction, no chosen lifestyle offers anything that compares.  And I know I need more of those things.  I want healing.  Now I just have to want it bad enough to submit myself to the authority of the one who offers it.

I’m tired of the sickness.  I sick of being sick.  I’m tired of the fight against my selfishness and self-actualization.

I just want Him.

Time to Change

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, Uncategorized, Worship5 Comments

I think it’s time for a change.
I’ve been the bitter worshipper long enough and God has been way too good for me to rest there.

Let me elucidate.

I’ve been married for almost twenty seven years and in that time have given her so many reasons to leave, to give up. But she still loves me.

I’ve made so many mistakes.  Failed over and over again. Yet found the strength to stand.

Others have “failed” me, rejected me, disappointed me. But the gates of my heart are still open. 

I have yelled at God, fought Him at every turn.  And despite that, He holds on, He will not give up!

I’ve been bitter but God is changing me.

The tumors of fear and addiction have been removed.  The cancerous lies of Satan have been exposed and treated with the healing power of His great love.

I’m done with being angry.

I’m having too much fun being alive!

Raise Your Voice

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, Uncategorized, WorshipLeave a comment

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Eph.6:12

So much hatred.  So much anger.

I’m reading the articles about the people calling for assassinations,  ranting, rioting.  It’s not the first time I’ve heard this.  We create enemies and feel so justified in our treatment of each other.

There are many reasons we worship.  God deserves our praise no matter what it changes, or even if it changes nothing at all.

But it does change us.  We can’t help but be changed as we focus our hearts and minds on the God of the universe.  We can’t keep further away as we bow our heads and bend our knees to such a great King.  As we breathe Him in, our hands naturally open  against the clinging, grasping, clutching that divides us from each other, and from Him.

So raise your voice!

When you hear the cries of accusation, the shouts of anger and hatred, shout your praise.  When you hear the confusion and fear that would tear our homes, this land, to pieces, sing your heart out.  When you can’t see a way through, when peace seems so far away, pray.  Pray out loud.  Pray hard.  Cry out to God!

Healing, unity, love are still possible.

An Update!

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Christianity, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I promise, I’ll write more soon!

But first, just to let everyone know…

Next year I will be returning to Nicaragua.  Missions.me has planned an extensive amazing outreach into the country of Nicaragua and I just can’t express how excited I am to be a part of it.  Check it out by going to the missions.me website.

I have already had $700.00 donated to my trip, such a blessing.  Thank you to everyone who has donated, and those of you who will donate at some point.  I don’t feel worthy but I love sharing this blessing and ministry with you.

Seriously be watching Nicaragua over the coming months.  God is changing the country at so many levels.  There is a culture that is present there that is warring against what God would do, but He cannot be overcome.  When our King moves, nothing, nothing, nothing can stand in His way.

Please stand with me in prayer for lives to be changed.  That God would awaken the people to His love and the greater purpose that He has for them.  Pray that there would be healing, restoration, financial backing for the cultural changes that need to take place.

And please pray for the children, the beautiful children that are caught in the difficult times this country has been through.  Pray for fathers to stand up and be men.  For alcoholism and the occult to be brought to the foot of the cross and left there.  Pray that hope would be restored.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  They mean so much to me.

LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

The Defensive Line

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The chips are down, the proverbial crap has hit the fan, you are under attack.

Who do you run to?  Who’s got your back? 

When all hell is breaking loose in their lives, when they’ve lost hope, vision, purpose, who do they run to?

We have groups for everything; AA groups, Narcanon, men’s groups and women’s  groups, small groups, conferences and churches.

Who is your first line of defense?

I believe in accountability.  I believe in standing together in this fight we call life.  I think I just have a different take on who we should run to first.

Now the churchy answer is to say, “Jesus.”  But, for many of us, He has already provided the answer to our pleas. 

So here goes:

Husbands, your first line of defense is your wife.  I hear so much of the talk about how women can’t handle our issues, shouldn’t have to.  But who did God provide?  Your dealing with sexual temptation, business concerns, addictions, problems with no solutions.  Talk to her, open your heart to her first.

Wives, yep, he’s the one.  Your girlfriends, your bible study group, your counselor can not help you the way your husband can.  They can not bring truth, healing, life the way he can.

Young people, the TV, Facebook, your friends, YouTube, the lives of musicians, stars, sports heroes and politicians can not guide you through like a talk with your dad, your mom, grandma, grandpa.  No one, and I mean no one loves you like we do.

“Oh but you don’t know my . . .”

And the truth is, I don’t.  Our world is so broken, sin so pervasive, that the people we should trust are the last people we can trust.  People have abused me, manipulated me, hurt me.  And, that includes my wife.  I have done the same to her.  I have not often been a good dad or son.  I am human, the definition of untrustworthy.

But my untrustworthiness so often stems from my lack of vulnerability to the ones who can help me.  I can paint a picture for my bible study.  I can gloss the photo for my church.  I can get angry, cover, lie, protect myself  from so many.  They remain virtually unscathed.  It always damages the one I love most.

I want to turn it in its head.  Stand back to back, shoulder to shoulder, eye to eye with her.  I want to make her strong, let her beauty shine.  And I will never do that by hiding myself from her.

We face this fight together.  We are only safe in each other’s arms.

Side note:  please do not stay in a situation where you are being abused.  Get help, get healing, then seek restoration.

I Don’t Want An Enemy

On By hawkinsm6In Christian Living, Discipleship, Encouragement, Spiritual, Worship1 Comment

I have walked with Jesus for 36 years.  So it shames me to make this admission.  But the reality is, I haven’t been very cooperative on the journey.  Much of my heal-digging and fist-shaking probably stems from one thing.

I don’t want an enemy.

I have spent some time in the Word along the way.  God makes lots of promises that the life and sacrifice of Jesus totally backs up.  But I can’t find where He promises no enemies.  In fact, I find the opposite.  He promises tribulation from the world, my flesh, demons, satan.

I still don’t want an enemy.

I want my steps of faith to be met with blessing, encouragement, praise from others.  And, I confess I have received some of these.  But, most of what I see, what I focus on, is the condemnation, the discouragement, the criticism.

I could say that is what I think I deserve.  Truthfully, I think it reflects more on my image of God.  

I can say with Paul that I am the worst of sinners.  But, I think I hear such negativity because I don’t believe God loves me.

But, He does.  He is mighty to save.  He is my strong tower.  His thoughts toward me are for healing and hope.  And He will take the field of battle with me.

Because, like it or not….

I have an enemy.