Running in circles

I get up in the morning and go to work.  I log on to my computer and the first thing I check is my e-mail.  That sounds pretty typical of people these days.  Ah, but what am I looking for?  I check job postings at my work place, check job sites that I frequent, check my other e-mail account and then do it all again with mounting frustration and angst.  What is going on? 

Oh, dear friend, I am looking for that nugget, that promise, that hope that all is not lost.  I’m searching and reaching for that place, that opportunity, that freedom that tantalizes but remains so out of reach.  It is ambiguous for I truly don’t know what the real object of my desire is.  I simply know that I don’t possess it yet.

Then the anger comes.  Why must I remain so desparate?  Why do I feel so trapped in this circumstance, in this life?  God, where are you?  You promised!  And the heavens are as brass, no answer, no touch.

In these moments I am faced with a choice.  I will believe that God is good or I won’t.  I have so often questioned this and for too long believed the latter.  But, what is real?  What is true?  I can not accept religious answers now.  I can not operate in blind faith.  My mind reals with questions that will not be silenced by platitudes.”Who are You?” I shout at the sky.