How Did I Get Here?

When I started out with Jesus I had this idea of what I would look like later in life.  I knew who I would marry and the children we would have.  I believed that I would train horses and work on a farm or camp setting.  It would have to be outside because there was no way I could stand not seeing sunshine or feeling the wind on my face.  I would be an evangelist that spoke to large crowds and droves would come forward at my altar calls.  I would sing and write songs that sold millions with people all over the world knowing my name.  I am so ashamed to write this down and since this is a blog and not a book I will stop there.  You get the idea.

Wow, I was supposed to be great!

I did not marry the girl.  My children do not look like or act like how I envisioned.  I have not trained a horse in 20 years.  I work in an environmentally controlled setting where I may not see the sun for days during the winter and only feel the wind when I walk out the door.  I have never spoken to large crowds and have led only a handful of people to my Jesus.  I have written songs that very few people have heard and have yet to sell one of them.  And I’m a nobody.

But here is a good place.  Oh I see that my “dreams” didn’t come true.  I didn’t dream big enough.  My plans all failed because I had me at the center.  God’s plans worked out just fine.

My wife is so precious and better than I ever could’ve hoped for.  My boys are taller, stronger, more talented than I could’ve imagined.  My daughter has a heart, a compassion that takes my breath away.  I am involved in research and get to lead kid’s in worship.  I belong, key word belong, to a church that teaches the truth and lives for Jesus and His kingdom.  And I am priviledged to be allowed to share my life with you.

I am convinced that the critical issue for people that would follow God is not what we will do, what we will accomplish for Him.  There is so much dissatisfaction, so much disappointment in following that motivation.  The addictive behaviors that ruled my life for so many years were really the result of wanting to do more, wanting to be more and knowing that I could never measure up (hence the need to “feel better”).  What has brought healing and life to my crusty old soul was coming to a place where I am content.  Content that I am loved and that God will do what He wants with me.  Content to serve Him and be His child.  Content to let Him be God!

I’m not sure how I got here.  I know I’ve got other places I still need to be.  But Lord, this is good!

Running in circles

I get up in the morning and go to work.  I log on to my computer and the first thing I check is my e-mail.  That sounds pretty typical of people these days.  Ah, but what am I looking for?  I check job postings at my work place, check job sites that I frequent, check my other e-mail account and then do it all again with mounting frustration and angst.  What is going on? 

Oh, dear friend, I am looking for that nugget, that promise, that hope that all is not lost.  I’m searching and reaching for that place, that opportunity, that freedom that tantalizes but remains so out of reach.  It is ambiguous for I truly don’t know what the real object of my desire is.  I simply know that I don’t possess it yet.

Then the anger comes.  Why must I remain so desparate?  Why do I feel so trapped in this circumstance, in this life?  God, where are you?  You promised!  And the heavens are as brass, no answer, no touch.

In these moments I am faced with a choice.  I will believe that God is good or I won’t.  I have so often questioned this and for too long believed the latter.  But, what is real?  What is true?  I can not accept religious answers now.  I can not operate in blind faith.  My mind reals with questions that will not be silenced by platitudes.”Who are You?” I shout at the sky.

Today is the first day…

As I listened to the worship band this past week it hit me once again, “why am I not up there playing?”  I’m a pretty good musician and have lead worship many times in many venues but here I sit (well stand I guess).  I have read over other sites that ask for input from participants and so much of what they say comes from right where I am.  Many of us are old, many are women (though there are more men).  They are guitarists, keyboardists, vocalists, bassists and I’m pretty sure at least one was a didjeridoo virtuoso.  But they all sounded the same to me.  “Why can’t I do more?  Why won’t this church hire me?  Today’s society just wants blah, blah, blah.”  It begs the question, “where is God?”  And how about, “Can He get me where I need to be?  Does He care?”  What motivates us to worship a God who allows us to be rejected, ignored, replaced, hated? 

I submit to you, my friends, that He is worthy of worship.  I purpose to enlighten and encourage you (and me) with ideas and snippets from my stumbling walk as to how He has moved and loved me.  He has done this despite my constant complaining and arguing, leading me to a place of hope and fulfillment, though it is not where I would’ve chosen to go.

Maybe this will help you in your walk too.