I feel like I’ve used this title before.  And yes, I know it has been a while since I’ve written anything.

Tough season.  Yeah, I’ve said that before too.

But this morning, after about five hours of sleep, I woke up to the question/challenge, “if I  am going to write, can I write like my life depends on it?  Will I say something like it’s the last thing I will ever say?”

Now part of the fun of a blog is that sometimes you are only writing for fun. But that isn’t sustainable.  When the only thing I am doing is speaking to hear my own voice, I probably should just shut up.

So here I am again.  I wanted this blog to show that God is in control and worth living for no matter where He takes you.  I wanted to face disappointment and confusion, doubt and fear with a shout of triumph because I know Jesus is all that matters.  I wanted to worship without regard for my circumstances.

I now work in a paper mill.  I make good money but it is hard, exhausting, sweaty work.  I work a lot of hours, sleep schedule ruined, no time for music, writing, anything.  I am about the oldest guy that I know of there (in my area), starting out, trying to prove myself to them.  I catch myself cussing in frustration.  I make mistakes and still can’t seem to do much right.  But God’s favor has been with me.

And there’s no place I’d rather be.

I hear the songs about dreams coming true.  I’ve seen the movies and read the books that seem to say that if we don’t give up, we can live the life we want, we can succeed.

And I think God puts many of those dreams inside of us (though certainly not all of them – yikes).

I just don’t believe anymore that I need to pursue them.  I need to pursue Him.  I don’t mean to trivialize this.  We all to often find our dreams and lose sight of our King.  That’s a tragedy.  If I never get to sing in front of a crowd, if I never get to pastor a youth group, if I die from heat stroke working in a paper mill, I will have succeeded because, despite the stupid things I’ve done, because I sit on His lap, in the presence of the Holy King of the Universe.

I hope that some of the guys I work with find Him because of the light that shines from me.  I hope that my children and grandchildren see that life lived for Jesus is worth it.  I’m not giving up on my dreams, though I am almost fifty-seven years old.

Jesus, hold on to me harder than I hold on to you.  This ride is crazy so I need you.