Angry, tired and frustrated

I had all sorts of great titles running through my head this morning but they wouldn’t have been honest.

I have been sick for the past week.  Suffering from vertigo, looking at perhaps a long recovery time.  Hearing the words I’ve written to others but not feeling them, not believing them.  Remembering the dreams and hopes that I laid down, taking them back off the altar and wanting so bad for them to come true.

So, this morning I face a new day.  I am debilitated.  I weigh too much.  I am so out of shape and so far from what God designed me for.

A light breaks over my heart right now, in this moment.  It is the backdrop for the cross in my life.  Will I pick it up again?  Will I deny myself and follow Him?  I’ve seen too much, been through too much to believe that my will can accomplish anything good.  I struggle and fume, maybe this time, maybe I’ll win.

Satan throws at me every self-made man, every wealthy success story.  Those who have the cars, the house, the power position.  He lets me know what he offers.

And I reject it.

I want to be the hero of my own story.  I want to be the one who submitted his will so fully to Jesus that He has only to nudge and I’m there, He has only to call and I’ll answer.  I want to be the one who lays everything down and lets JESUS shine through.

That’s a life worth living.


7 thoughts on “Angry, tired and frustrated

  1. Jon Z

    Praying for you matt…..You have an amazing family that love and serve Jesus selflessly…..Even on the worst day no one can take that away=)=)

  2. Hi Matt,
    Somewhere, far across and out in the sea, a old gray haired man is praying for you and your family.
    Praying for you by name. Bringing your name before the Throne. Remember this when looking across a far distance. You’ve got a Christian brother you never met out there, praying for you while you sleep.
    Take Care, God Bless,
    Your Brother in Christ

    1. Thank you for your prayers. If we never meet here, I’ll touch base with you in heaven and we can swap stories. Let me know if there’s anything I can pray for about.

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