I was set free from addiction more than a year ago. After close to forty years of struggle and shame, of hiding and depression, I was released to a new world. Often the whispers come at me to return, to quit fighting. The problem with the whispers is that I recognize their end game, I see them for what they are.
I like being free.
But, why was I released. I still can’t get a job as a pastor. I still have not fully recognized the calling that God placed on my life. I still work a dirty, low-paying job at a factory.
Do you ever see yourself from God’s perspective?
When I was young, I wanted to be an Airborne Ranger. These are the guys with the dangerous missions behind enemy lines. Hard charging, never quit, crazies that will not back down, will not die. The ones who are willing to go where no one else wants to, no one else can.
I don’t have the tab. I’m old, chubby, scruffy. But, I think, in the spiritual realm, I have become a Ranger. A never say die light in a dark, cold place. Sniping with words of love and peace and strength. Deep in enemy territory with my sword and my life and not much else.
I know there are other people like me, willing to lay down their hopes and dreams, their lives, to reach out to those around them. Living as lights in factories, on construction sites, plumbers, electricians, mechanics. All living in the world but not being a part of it, no compromise.
I want to be where I am. I want to sing for my children, lead worship, teach the band to love and serve. And I want to go back into the enemy’s strongholds and kick his rear end.
Who will I be? I don’t know.
I kind of like who I am.