I have been overwhelmed and grateful for the responses to this blog as people have poured out their sympathy for me and the struggles that I’ve gone through. My concern for this, and I am concerned, is that you’re not hearing what I am saying.
I know, I know. A good author should let the words speak for themselves. The message each person gets will be and should be different as God speaks through what I say to give a particular word or thought that pertains individually. However, the commiseration is unfounded and I would like to clear the air on this.
What did I lose by walking this path with my Jesus?
1) Self-reliance – I am not nor will I ever be adequate to handle what comes my way. I should never again tell Him, “I got this. I’ll take it from here.”
2) Fear – Because I am not dependent on me, or man, life’s circumstances, fate, I have nothing to fear if something goes against what I had planned. I “rest in the shadow of the Almighty”.
3) Condemnation – God doesn’t look at me like, “why aren’t you doing better? Why can’t you do anything right?” He actually looks at me with pride and joy (even still, this is hard to believe) because of my heart for Him. I am His child.
4) Hatred/Bitterness – I don’t have to react to what people say or do to me. This is tied to fear and condemnation because my defensive reaction to those stimuli illicited the response of hatred. I can love because I am free to love. Fear and condemnation bind me, enslave me to addiction, to selfishness, to confusion.
I have lost nothing in this fight except the years I wasted doubting my Lord. But even those are redeemed as I rest in Him today.