Soon after the military I got married and we began having children. Our first was a little girl and within the space of 5 years we had added 3 rowdy boys. I was also going to school full-time, working and involved in church. A full roller coaster for the beginning of a marriage.
I tell you this, not to share all that was good and bad about those years, but to give a backdrop for where I was spiritually. So much going on, so many blessings, struggles, adventures, stresses but it wasn’t enough, never enough.
I also began applying for pastor positions with depression and anger following each rejection, each “unanswered” prayer. Nothing was enough, no one was enough and I so often turned on God questioning His concern for me, His trustworthiness. This pattern has continued for many years. Many, many years.
I knew the gifts that God had given me. I had a good understanding of my level of intelligence. Being a father and husband had both bolstered my confidence and humbled me in ways that no other experience can. But I was incomplete. I held a place of emptiness that nothing could fill, nothing could take away.
How can a person accept Jesus as their Savior and Lord, walk with Him, pray and believe in God’s sovereignty over all and yet live in a way that demonstrates little but fear and self-reliance. I have heard so many times the phrase, “Jesus is not Lord at all until He is Lord of all.” But in my heart I knew that, more than my confessions of Him and more than my broken dreams, He was my Lord. Somehow, there was a disconnect.
Please don’t misunderstand, during all of this time, I continued to lead worship, bible studies, teach sunday school and encourage youth in their day to day walks with God. I spoke from an honest heart of who I knew God to be. How can I worship with my whole heart, sensing His presence and honoring Him with my life, my voice, my song and still doubt everything He does.
It made no sense – still doesn’t.
2 thoughts on “A House Divided”
I think that the moment this disconnect no longer exists is the moment we enter eternity. As we live in a fallen world and are lost without our Savior, we are going to struggle with this connect/disconnect issue. As is addressed in Mark 9:24 “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” this has been ongoing for many years.
We enjoy your openness and honesty Matt. Keep journaling how God is working in and through you!
It is amazing to me the depth and divergence of our minds in this process. I can believe and experience God’s presence at a level that brings me to my knees, bringing me to tears by its overwhelming power. And then, in the next breath question Him, doubt His goodness or will concerning my life. It bears a greater witness to His kindness and patience than anything else I know.
Thanks for reading.